David and I spent the night at home last night so that we could watch the Super Bowl (and I could take my first bath since being admitted into the hospital). This morning David got up and left for work, and I started making calls about insurance. By 11am I was frazzled and desperately wanting to get to the hospital. It was the longest I had been away from them.
Driving down 116th street, a funeral procession passed, and without warning, I burst into tears. I was driving my car sobbing and wasn't sure if it was because I wanted to get to Jack and Ella, the insurance hassle of the morning, the crummy weather, or thought of Claire and Gracie that rushed over me. All at once I felt heat - the feeling you get when you become overwhelmed or under pressure. I pulled over into a business parking lot and just sat there and cried until I pulled it together enough to continue. I'm typically not a crier... I have always strived very hard to keep myself composed and not show too much emotion. My personality type does not allow for an outwardly show of expression or lack of control, but at that moment, my control slipped...
It has been a 18 months since Claire and Gracie came and left too soon. I think of them often; sometimes, however, it hits all too hard and in unexpected places. Please don't get me wrong, Jack and Ella have filled our hearts, but Claire and Gracie remain there as well.
The rest of the day has been a mish-mash of highs and lows... Jack and Ella are doing fairly well, and hopefully their mommy can pull it together too.
Monday, February 04, 2008
I'm Only Human
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5 comments:
"hopefully their mommy can pull it together too" . . .you will! After all you and David have been through, you deserve a little loss of control now and then! Just dealing with insurance is enough to send anyone over the edge anyway! Tears are healing, and you probably needed that release more than you realized. We'll keep praying for you and your wonderful, sweet, beautiful babies!
Billie says...You(and David) have been through so much.
Anybody that knows you also know you have went from the lowest of lows (Gracie and Claire) to the highest of highs (Jack and Ella).
After giving birth your body is a nightmare of hormones. Throw everything on top of the hormones
(G&C;J&E), leaving the hospital without J&E,the back and forth travel to the hospital, the roller coaster that comes with the NICU. Everybody that deals with insurance knows you almost have to work in the field to understand it!
Give yourself two pats on the back (1)for your strength(2)you done the right thing to pull over and let it out rather than let the anxiety of getting to your babies take over.
wrap your arms around your shoulders and give yourself the biggest hug you can, that's from me and full of love. Dad's need hugs too so pass one on to david and kiss those beautiful babies:)
Hope everybody's day is a good one.
You missed one emotion...guilt. I'm sure it's normal to feel some guilt because you have Jack and Ella, but in time you'll come to truly believe that they weren't sent here to replace Gracie and Claire but to renew your faith. And on the other hand, I can't think of anyone who deserves a good cry more than you! Ok...I'm going to return my Dr. Phil book to the library now...
no one has it all together all the time. you're doing awesome
Keep up the awesome fight you two are going through and it takes very Special people to go through all you two have and still keep burning the candle!! God is in control and so are all his great Angels he has for some reason only he knows!! The prayers are flowing and so are the tears but don't feel bad its's just how it is sometimes!! Stay Strong!! Love Ya!!
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