Let me start this post by saying that I am eternally grateful for every moment that we can spend with Jack and Ella. Also, I'm confident that your and our prayers have sustained them supernaturally over the past several months. While I know that Kristy and I have been blessed in many regards, we had struggled making sense of why God had chosen us not to be parents. I had, over time, accepted this; fortunately, Kristy chose to press forward and we are now blessed with Jack and Ella. They are amazing.
I started this journey with less faith than I have now. It is a strange and unnatural trust to stop your selfish ambition and desire God's will. I know that may sound trite and that religious words sometimes have a negative connotation, but sometimes those word 'fit'. One of my favorite scenes in the movie 'The Matrix' (I know it's cheesy, but try watching it again with a different view...) was when Neo was beginning to understand the real world. During a scene that encompassed just a white screen and a couple buildings, Morpheus said "You have to let it all go... fear, doubt, disbelief." Of course, Neo fell the first time trying to jump, as we all do. But, I'll always remember the phrase at the end of the movie "He's beginning to believe". It still gives me shivers thinking of it. It's the difference between knowing the path and walking the path. Belief, what an incredibly powerful idea.
Many of you know that I tend to be a positive person because I tend to hope for the best but plan for the worst. With Jack and Ella, this led to what the docs call anticipatory grief. This is when we prepare ourselves emotionally for the possibility of our baby's death. To avoid being overcome by this terrible fear of death, anticipatory grief helps parents to prepare for the worst possibilities. Anticipatory grief is a natural reaction, and it has some benefits. It insulates the vulnerable high-risk parent from even greater pain.
What a strange idea, the thought that your mind would acknowledge the death of your children even though it hasn't happened. Fortunately, the faith of a mustard seed has hopefully moved us past that point. The neo (huh, same as the Matrix) today said that he would be surprised if Jack and Ella didn't survive.
While the hourly worry of their survival is somewhat behind us, the future is scary. Will Jack and Ella continue to live? Will they continue to grow? What is life like with a oxygen tank and apnea monitor at home? What if one of them gets an infection? What do we do when the monitors come off for the first time? What do we do without the NICU nurses? When do we know if they will need to be re-hospitalized? And a hundred more questions...
What we do know is that Kristy and I will love Jack and Ella. One of the decisions that we made before delivery was that they are our children and we will be there for them no matter what.
I apologize if this post sounds negative or meandering. I didn't mean it to be. We aren't looking for pity or sorrow and we understand that many are in worse situations than ours and thank God for our lives together; we're just struggling trying to make sense and to understand what comes next.
As Frasier always said. Thanks for listening.
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Anticipatory grief
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8 comments:
Okay, I have to admit my heart dropped when I saw the title of your blog. Now that I've read it, my heart is returning to my chest. I completely understand the concept. Of course you will love your children, no matter what. They're yours, forever!
Hi K and D,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts (and fears). The path of trusting God, without needing to see Him do what we think he should be doing, is taken with many small steps and a few big leaps. It continues that way throughout this life since we are bound to live here by faith and not by sight, seeing as in a cloudy mirror. But then...Grace and Claire know what it's like to see Him perfectly!
Like Kari Lynn, the title scared me and I was almost afraid to continue reading. Rather than sounding negative, though, I found it encouraging that you're learning to trust God's will (I say "learning" instead of "learned" because I think we all continue to struggle with that all our lives). As parents, sometimes that's all we can do. Though our children are now 28, 25, and 22, the fear of the future NEVER goes away! Right now you're worried about their survival and the weeks, months, and years after they go home with you. But a few years from now, your heart will stop every time they get behind the wheel of a car, go to a party, go on a date, or God forbid, enter a war zone, knowing there's only so much parents can do to protect them. I learned a lot about faith and trust the year our son spent in Iraq . . . there was absolutely nothing I could do to protect him and often when there were casualties in the area where he was, we wouldn't know whether he was safe for 24 - 48 hours. I guess we experienced some "anticipatory grief" during that time, too (didn't have a name for it, but we hoped for the best while preparing emotionally for the worst). Even now, our kids sometimes make decisions we consider unwise, but while we can advise them, they have to live their own lives. So we stand by and do lots of praying, not always understanding why things happen as they do. My parents taught us by example the power of love, faith, and prayer, even when kids (young or old) aren't always wise. So I guess you're getting a head start on all that parental worrying with the shaky start Jack and Ella got. I'm so glad to hear that the neo is positive about their future, and will continue to pray for their continued growth and health.
to answer your question what comes next...more worry, wonder, excitement,frustration (sometimes) and unconditional love than words can describe...
WELCOME TO PARENTHOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They are so beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
Okay - I, like others, panicked when I saw the title. I know it is hard to put your trust in God and know that he is doing what is best. Know that He is watching over the both of you and Jack and Ella. I got an email story a while ago titled The Smell of Rain - I found a site that had it - check it out. my.homewithgod.com/pkbutterfly/smellofrain.html
Okay, no more scary blog titles! We can't take it!! I have been where you guys are now, and while the worry does continue, it's nothing like what you are experiencing now! I remember walking into the NICU and scanning the faces on the nurses and doctors to try and predict the news they were going to give me for the day. Wanting to be excited that I had had a baby but unable to shake the feeling that he could be taken from me at any minute. It’s a weird kind of limbo that is hard to put into words. However, the experience will make you stronger as a couple, very appreciative parents, and closer to God. Looking back, I consider my experience as a gift from God; not only because I have a wonderful son but also because it changed my life for the better. My prayers now are more for you and David because I know Jack and Ella are going to be fine.
I love being able to keep updated. We also were in NICU for six weeks. When I look at your pictures the memories come flooding back. Someday we will share stories. Today we send our love and prayers to the four of you :)
I am curious David, how do you get any work done on the computer? I can't get on with out constantly looking for new information and pictures, making it difficult to do school work.
very cool
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