Big Day

Today was a great day!

First, Jack hit the big 3lb mark. I can hardly believe our little 1.3lb baby boy has more than doubled his weight. Actually, he has gained more weight overall than Ella. He is definitely changing; it's amazing what a little fat can do. What's even more amazing is that he is turning into a little David before my eyes. I look at his face, and I can see many of David's features. Speaking of David... he said that once they reached 3lbs then he would hold them. Well, he's held Ella, and it looks like Jack's turn will be this weekend! I can't wait!

Secondly, Ella tried breast "feeding" for the first time. She didn't actually get to feed, but instead was tube fed while she suckled. She was tremendous. We were hoping for her to just nuzzle with me, but she latched on and tried to suck... Everyone was amazed that she was able to get that far. After 10 minutes of this new adventure, she was worn out and fell fast asleep. The whole experience was really incredible. I was really apprehensive about it at first, but I just felt connected with her... I'm in love!

NICU Parents

David found this on the net, and I had to laugh. I'm passing it on - dedicated to all the parents who've had NICU babies:

You're NICU Kid's 14, and You're Still Talking About His or Her "Adjusted Age"

You're Addicted to Acronyms
NICU, CPAP, BP, A&B, EBM... if you were a NICU parent, you probably know what all of those mean, and you aren't afraid to use them!

You Get All Weepy When You See a Normal Delivery on TV
It never fails. They show that picture-perfect delivery, with the baby nestled afterwards in mom's arms, and you mourn for what you didn't have. Worse yet, they show a distressed delivery with a baby going to the NICU and you're bawling.

You Refer to NICU Procedures with the Skill of a NICU Nurse
You could talk turkey with any NICU nurse after spending some time there. Use all those fun acronyms mentioned above, throw on some scrubs, and you could almost blend right into any NICU.

You Get a Little Sad When You Pass a Hospital
If you've ever had to leave a baby behind in the NICU, it becomes almost impossible to pass one by without reliving that memory just a little.

You Can't Help But Tell Your NICU Story
Oh, there are so many natural ways to weave mention of the NICU experience into conversation. How could you NOT tell the story again... and again... and again...

You See a Picture of a Baby with the NICU Elephant Nose and go, "Awwww!!"

You Have a Special Box of NICU Souvenirs You Keep Meaning to Scrapbook
Who could throw away a NICU baby's first IV line? Or BP cuff (and I know you know what BP stands for!)? Better yet, if you had a hospital with a volunteer auxiliary, you may even have beautiful knitted caps or blankets. They are safe, too, in a box.

You Get Sentimental When You Hear Beeping Sounds
For normals, that's an annoying sound. For NICU parents, it's the sound of bittersweetness. Suddenly, you're driving down the road and a truck starts backing up. "Beep! Beep! Beep!" You find yourself sighing.

You Still Scrub Your Hands Like a Surgeon
No matter how many days, months or years go by, you just can't seem to shake the urge to scrub your hands and arms like a surgeon.

Starting week 7

Well, as you might have guessed from the last couple posts, Kristy and I have run the gamut of emotions lately. Anger, guilt, love, fear, hope... I think we've gotten to the point where we're not continually worried about their survival (which is awesome) and now we're annoyed that things aren't more normal (which leads to guilt that we're taking them for granted). The cycle continues with our interpretation of the families' reactions...

Anyways, today was a good smack in the face for us. When we got to the hospital, Jack was on his lowest oxygen level in a couple of weeks and Ella was as cute as ever. Jack regained his weight loss and more. He's now at 1200 grams (2 lb 10 oz) and Ella is at 1440 grams (3 lb 3 oz). Ella had a smile-athon while mom was holding her and Jack actually grunted at Bruce (the respirator therapist) while he was getting his steroid treatment. They were stunning and I'm sure this isn't the last lesson that we'll learn from them.

Jack shielding himself from the ever-present camera



Ella starting her smile session

6 Weeks

It is hard to believe that tomorrow begins Jack and Ella's 6th week outside the womb. Though I have loved getting to know them, I can't help but feel guilty that they have had to struggle and fight so hard to survive... They should be safe inside me, but instead they are hooked up to machines and living in a box. They have had to do things that their little bodies shouldn't have to do yet. I hate it! It has been getting harder and harder to go to the hospital and visit them. We just want them home. Can David and I really make it another 7 weeks? AGHHH

David's "Throw Down"

I've been trying to think of how to describe the events of last night but still haven't decided the most eloquent way to put it. Well, I'll just say it... David had a miniature breakdown.

It all started when he found out that we had a new nurse. New in the sense that she had never taken care of Jack and Ella but not new to the NICU. In fact, this nurse has been one for a very long time. However, whenever someone new is introduced to Jack and Ella, papa bear gets very protective. That new person must prove themselves. So let's just say that David was already on edge because we had someone new...

Next, Jack's oxygen support has been up lately. What we are hoping for is that Jack's level of support decreases not increases, so this is not the trend that we want. More O2 makes David worried and sometimes this translates into 'someone might not be trying to wean him very well'

It gets much better...

It was feeding time, so I stood on one side of the isolette, the nurse was on the other side, and David stood off the end. Just as the nurse started Ella's feeding, Ella decided to Brady (her heart rate plummeted, her O2 level dropped, and her breathing rate came crashing down). A Brady in itself is bad enough, but with her food just going into her tummy, it was even worse. She spit everything up... it went out her nose into her CPAP and out her mouth onto her clothes and in her eyes. While this is happening, the nurse grabbed the little suction device (think dentist's office) and plunged it into Ella's mouth. Now, David didn't see her spit-up. All he saw was the nurse suctioning Ella when the monitor showed that she was not breathing. To say the least, David got visably upset. Now he never yelled, but he did question the nurse's actions in a very "stern and authoritative" manner. Needless to say, the nurse got flustered. All the while the alarm is going off, Ella is twitching, and I am wiping spit-up out of her eyes.

I will be the first to admit - I was scared. Seeing Ella like that was awful, but afterward it made sense of what the nurse was trying to do. The last thing that we would want is for Ella to get something foreign into her lungs. The nurse was trying to get the liquid out of her mouth and nose so that Ella could take a breath. But during the whole episode, I was unsure what was happening as was David.

Well, the nurse offered to switch with someone else and was visibly shaken; David turned back to a normal color (from the red that he became), and Ella laid there and smiled at us. We were all frazzled.

Overall, everything was fine. The nurse explained to us what she did, and why she did it. After everything we've been through.... David was just trying to protect his little girl. I'm sure there will be many times that papa bear comes out - I feel sorry for the guys that try to date her. :)

Ella hits 3lbs

I know everyone likes David's posts better because of the pictures, but tonight you're stuck with me.

The big news of the day is Ella's weight... somehow our little girl is already 3lbs. I can't believe it!! Even better is the little fat rolls that have begun to form on her legs. YEAH! She has also begun to wear clothes. Yes, she is still a little small for the outfits, but they make her look like such a big girl. She is still alternating between the CPAP and nasal cannula, so I hold her whenever she is on the cannula. She is soooo snuggly! I love kissing the top of her head and have discovered the joy of kissing her tiny fingers whenever she reaches up toward my face. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy just thinking about it.

Jack is also gaining and has officially doubled his birth weight. He had to have a blood transfusion yesterday because of a low red blood cell count. Today he was "feeling" much better. Mommy is also feeling better because I got to hold him today. It is hard to hold him when he is on the CPAP, but because of the transfusion, he got to try Vapotherm again. I feel so badly because I have held Ella more than Jack, but hopefully as he gets stronger that will change. I really think he likes it.

David was out sick today, so I came home from the hospital early. I told the nurse that I had to go home to take care of my other baby. David's office has been full of sick people, so I guess it was just a matter of time. Hopefully, he'll be over it soon, and I don't catch it!

A special note to the staff at school: thanks for the card and gift - but sending Steve and Casey was a little too much (ha ha). Hope the DC trip was a great time!

Holding Ella

Ella was doing great after her transfusion last night, so I got to hold her for a bit today. It was a wonderful feeling. And she didn't have any A's or B's. Maybe mommy will have some competition...

A bit nervous


Package delivered


Who is this holding me?


Jealous or happy mom?


The doting, camera-happy grandparents

Growing fast

Today was the first day since Wednesday morning that I got to see the kids. Wow, they are really growing. Ella is up to 2 lb 10 oz and Jack is at 2 lb 2 oz. Of course, they both decided to make the monitors beep like crazy today. Kristy says they wanted daddy's attention, but I'm starting to get a complex since the last 3 days were pretty quiet...

Ella's A's and B's had risen in the last couple days and her hematocrit level also fell, so she had another blood transfusion today. These have been very successful in the past so, as bizarre as it sounds, we're kindof getting used to them.

Tomorrow, we're going to try the dual Kangaroo Care, so we should have lots of new pics. The below are from last weekend when they got their first full baths.

2 lbs

Happy Valentine's Day. I hope everyone had an enjoyable evening tonight...

What a great week... Jack passed the 2 lb plateau this week and Ella has been doing excellently on her CPAP / cannula routine. Also, today, they both had very positive head ultrasounds. Their brains appear to be developing normally and this was, hopefully, their last test. Yesterday, Jack and Ella's eye tests were also normal. While their eyes aren't fully developed, the blood vessels are exactly where they would be expected for their developmental stage.

A bit of bummer this week was that I haven't been to visit them in a couple of days. The office has been passing around the flu virus and I've been a bit under the weather too. So, instead of taking the risk, I've avoided the NICU. Not seeing them has been rough...

Last weekend, Kristy gave them their first bath. Both of them really enjoyed the activity. We're looking forward to lots of splashing in the coming years... We'll post the pics later.

We are very appreciative of your continued thoughts and prayers. Last week, our friends Todd and Sheri stopped by and dropped off a handmade prayer shawl from their church and Kristy's work friend gave us the below poster that is now in Jack's room. Thank you.

NICU Living Top Ten

NICU Living Top Ten (Pros):

10. No driving in the snow/ice

9. 24/7 child care (great nurses)

8. Crafts, luncheons, and "free" classes

7. Starbucks just down stairs, which leads me to

6. Late night Mochas

5. No 13 & 14 year olds' drama

4. Date night

3. No make-up/hair styling (seriously - I haven't touched mascara or a hair dryer in almost 3 months)

2. Lunch with David

1. Knowing that it (NICU Living) is only temporary

4 weeks old

Jack is now up to 1 lb 15 oz (870g) and Ella is up to 2 lb 5 oz (1060g). They are both stable on the CPAP and Ella is rotating the nasal cannula every 6 hours. Jack's vapotherm has been removed since his A's and B's were increasing. He's now being weaned back down on his oxygen requirements on the CPAP. They are doing very well.

Yesterday, Kristy got to hold both of them at the same time. It was the first time since delivery that they had been together. Very cool...

Touchdown Jack

Hey Mom and Dad


Hey Nurse Debbie


Look what I can do


Ella high-fiving for me

Today was a Good Day

Jack was on Vapotherm (instead of the CPAP) for two hours today and did excellently; Ella started going between the nasal canulla and CPAP every 6 hours. Needless to say, their respiratory growth is going well. The doc's goal is to start the weening process (Oxygen) for both... scary, but great progress. Jack and Ella are also taking and digesting their "food" really well. Hopefully I can keep ahead of them in that department. As you know, Ella is over 2lbs now and Jack continues to add weight as well (although he is still under 2lbs.). Those that saw them the first week or so would be surprised at their changes already.

I had a good day as well because I got to hold each of them for 2 hours! I would have never guessed how much being slobbered on doesn't bother me at all. I just love when their tiny hands press against me, and I am starting to feel their fingernails... Unfortunately the chair I sit in to hold them is very uncomfortable and leaves my back (& butt) sore for a while.

Even though it was a good day... the night wasn't. David went home to check the basement (we are paranoid about flooding), and I was going to go home after holding Jack. David and I were going to unwind and enjoy an evening with each other. However, Jack wasn't put back into his isolette until 9pm. Then the question became do I go home only to pump and go to bed, or do I just stay? I stayed... poor David got the raw end of the deal once again. Sorry doesn't cut it, but it is all I have right now.

All I can say is that for everything that he has done for me (and the babies), I can only hope to repay some of it.

I'm Only Human

David and I spent the night at home last night so that we could watch the Super Bowl (and I could take my first bath since being admitted into the hospital). This morning David got up and left for work, and I started making calls about insurance. By 11am I was frazzled and desperately wanting to get to the hospital. It was the longest I had been away from them.

Driving down 116th street, a funeral procession passed, and without warning, I burst into tears. I was driving my car sobbing and wasn't sure if it was because I wanted to get to Jack and Ella, the insurance hassle of the morning, the crummy weather, or thought of Claire and Gracie that rushed over me. All at once I felt heat - the feeling you get when you become overwhelmed or under pressure. I pulled over into a business parking lot and just sat there and cried until I pulled it together enough to continue. I'm typically not a crier... I have always strived very hard to keep myself composed and not show too much emotion. My personality type does not allow for an outwardly show of expression or lack of control, but at that moment, my control slipped...


It has been a 18 months since Claire and Gracie came and left too soon. I think of them often; sometimes, however, it hits all too hard and in unexpected places. Please don't get me wrong, Jack and Ella have filled our hearts, but Claire and Gracie remain there as well.

The rest of the day has been a mish-mash of highs and lows... Jack and Ella are doing fairly well, and hopefully their mommy can pull it together too.

Happy 3 Weeks

Today was Jack and Ella's 3 week birthday... most people don't celebrate a 3 week birthday, but we will celebrate every week. Though Jack gave us some extra gray hairs yesterday, all is well.

First the "stats" of the week: Ella is doing well and weighs a hefty 2lbs and 3 ounces. She had a blood transfusion earlier in the week due to too many A/Bs. Jack is up to 1lb and 10 ounces. Yesterday he decided that Ella was getting too much attention and joined his little sister with reoccurring A/Bs. His color turned pasty; we were very worried. Jack was given a transfusion and is currently on antibiotics. Hopefully it was just a matter of too few red blood cells...

David finally got the pleasure of spending the night in the NICU room. We requested a sleep room Saturday night but didn't get one; so we decided to stick it out in Jack and Ella's rooms. I slept in Jack's room and David slept in Ella's room. Fortunately, David was very tired, and Ella had a calm night. Jack, however, couldn't get "comfortable" so he whimpered most of the night. I hate hearing them cry, so I didn't get a lot of sleep. I felt badly for his nurse as she tried and tried to make him happy. Hopefully we don't have many more nights like that.

We had lots of visitors over the last several days; thanks for your friendship!

I'm sorry if this entry is a little disjointed, but the Patriots just lost the Super Bowl, and the celebration is on!! (That and I'm tired!)

Anticipatory grief

Let me start this post by saying that I am eternally grateful for every moment that we can spend with Jack and Ella. Also, I'm confident that your and our prayers have sustained them supernaturally over the past several months. While I know that Kristy and I have been blessed in many regards, we had struggled making sense of why God had chosen us not to be parents. I had, over time, accepted this; fortunately, Kristy chose to press forward and we are now blessed with Jack and Ella. They are amazing.

I started this journey with less faith than I have now. It is a strange and unnatural trust to stop your selfish ambition and desire God's will. I know that may sound trite and that religious words sometimes have a negative connotation, but sometimes those word 'fit'. One of my favorite scenes in the movie 'The Matrix' (I know it's cheesy, but try watching it again with a different view...) was when Neo was beginning to understand the real world. During a scene that encompassed just a white screen and a couple buildings, Morpheus said "You have to let it all go... fear, doubt, disbelief." Of course, Neo fell the first time trying to jump, as we all do. But, I'll always remember the phrase at the end of the movie "He's beginning to believe". It still gives me shivers thinking of it. It's the difference between knowing the path and walking the path. Belief, what an incredibly powerful idea.

Many of you know that I tend to be a positive person because I tend to hope for the best but plan for the worst. With Jack and Ella, this led to what the docs call anticipatory grief. This is when we prepare ourselves emotionally for the possibility of our baby's death. To avoid being overcome by this terrible fear of death, anticipatory grief helps parents to prepare for the worst possibilities. Anticipatory grief is a natural reaction, and it has some benefits. It insulates the vulnerable high-risk parent from even greater pain.

What a strange idea, the thought that your mind would acknowledge the death of your children even though it hasn't happened. Fortunately, the faith of a mustard seed has hopefully moved us past that point. The neo (huh, same as the Matrix) today said that he would be surprised if Jack and Ella didn't survive.

While the hourly worry of their survival is somewhat behind us, the future is scary. Will Jack and Ella continue to live? Will they continue to grow? What is life like with a oxygen tank and apnea monitor at home? What if one of them gets an infection? What do we do when the monitors come off for the first time? What do we do without the NICU nurses? When do we know if they will need to be re-hospitalized? And a hundred more questions...

What we do know is that Kristy and I will love Jack and Ella. One of the decisions that we made before delivery was that they are our children and we will be there for them no matter what.

I apologize if this post sounds negative or meandering. I didn't mean it to be. We aren't looking for pity or sorrow and we understand that many are in worse situations than ours and thank God for our lives together; we're just struggling trying to make sense and to understand what comes next.

As Frasier always said. Thanks for listening.

Little Jack

Well, I've been neglecting my videotaping duties with the new camera (if you're looking for a new camera, the Nikon D300 is pretty stellar, btw), so this one isn't a great attempt.... However, Jack was wide awake and really responsive during this 'hands-on' time. The nurses have this time every 3 hours, so it's usually 3 hours of alarms and 5 minutes of fun as we get to handle them.