Update

We got the results from our latest blood test, and unfortunately, neither of the embryos made it. We'll try the last two sometime in the new year.

Merry Christmas

Well... As most of you probably know, we're just going to visit the girls tomorrow and then it's work time again. At least for me... But there will be brighter times ahead and we're still hoping for the best. From our last post, it didn't seem like some of our friends/family knew who Calvin and Hobbes were, so I thought I'd post one of their comics. Maybe Kristy will get me their complete collection for my birthday (hint, hint, it's at http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Calvin-Hobbes-Bill-Watterson/dp/0740748475)









Kristy's mom and dad came down last night and treated us to some good food at Benihana's. Not sure if Tom liked it much and I'm sure he didn't like paying 8 bucks for my beer, but we had a good time playing with the Wii before dinner. Below is a pic of Tom and Pam 'boxing'. It was quite amusing and Pam actually knocked him out in the 3rd round. She does kinda look like Jake LaMotta from the Raging Bull movie picture in the right corner.



Anyway, I hope y'all (as my newly hick brother would say) have a Merry Christmas and we look forward to joining you next year.

Here we go again!

We have to back track some because, well, things have happened that not too many people are aware of...

On Wednesday, November 15, David and I were set to do another transfer when a dark cloud appeared on an ultrasound. There was some kind of mass in my uterus which made it impossible to do a transfer. Instead, on Wednesday, November 22, we went into the hospital for a D&C. I still had remnants of the placenta from Claire and Gracie.

I was out for a couple of days, but because of my Thanksgiving break, I didn't have to miss much school. A second ultrasound confirmed that I was clear and ready for the embryo transfer.

David and I had four embryos left to use from the initial IVF treatment, but being frozen, they were not at the "level" of Claire and Gracies'. Still, we pressed onward.

I began the injection regimen again - shots to the stomach and butt. YUCK!!

On Thursday, December 14, we went to the hospital for our second transfer of 2006. There are a lot of mixed emotions going on right now. We are excited, but filled with guilt and uncertainty. Of course, we are trying to be positive, and David won't let me do anything to try to give these two embryos every chance possible.

Of the two embryos we thawed, according to Dr. Gentry, one looked "nice" and the other was "so-so".... having been frozen is also a hurdle for them. Please pray for us and them!

If you've read any of the entries before this you'll know David dubbed Claire and Gracie, "Buzz and Woody". These two new lives also get David's special treatment.

Introducing "Calvin and Hobbes":

March of Dimes

Some of our family members have insisted on doing something for us this Chistmas (despite our protests), so here is what we would like:

Go to Marchofdimes.com
Under "Help us fight Prematurity", click on "About the Campaign"
Under "Banding Together", click "learn more now"
Scroll down to "Find a band"
Under the last name category type in "Kokoska"
Click on "Kokoska, Claire/Gracie"
Click on "donate on behalf of this child"

or you can just go to: http://www.marchofdimes.com/howtohelp/b.asp?band_id=32541

Thanks to those that have donated for the girls.

4 Months Gone

Today marks the 4th month since the girls were taken. David and I both struggle with moments of utter despair, but look to the future with hope.

David surprised me by putting-up one of our Christmas trees last week. It was something I wanted to do, but couldn't bring myself to do it. It took all he had, but he also made us ornaments with Claire and Gracie's pictures in them. He also made one of me with the girls and himself with the girls.

We are "skipping" Christmas this year because of the anguish of knowing that it should have been so different... Thankfully our families understand this need for a break from "holiday cheer" and "family gatherings." David and I opted to get out of town for awhile and decided on a cruise.

Anyways, after a bit of a scare last month, we are planning on moving forward with another round of IVF. We'll keep you posted as this happens.

David, I thought of you when I read this...

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief
Since "Men don't cry" and "Men are Strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
to stand up to the test
And field calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
and what she's going through
But seldom take his hand and ask
My friend, but how are you?

He hears her crying in the night
and thinks his heart will break;
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But 'stays strong' for her fragile sake.

It must be very difficult
to start each day anew
And try to be so very brave
He lost his babies too.


I love you - I couldn't do this without you - Thank you!

Two months

It has been two months today that the girls left us... Still the same heartache, tears, and unfulfilled dreams. Not much else I can say.

Ask Our Mum How Is She

Our Mum, she tells a lot of lies
She never did before.
From now until the day she dies
She'll tell a whole lot more.

She used to tell the truth a lot,
But now it doesn't matter.
We died and went to heaven,
Her life is all a-shatter.

Ask our Mum how is she,
She'll say, "Yes, I'm fine!"
She wants to beg "Please help me.
I can't find those girls of mine!"

Ask our Mum, how is she,
She'll say, "I'm alright."
If that's the truth then please tell us,
Why does she cry each night?

Ask our Mum, how is she,
She seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice, you see,
Nor the strength to yell.

You think you know the feeling,
But this just cannot be.
For even though you loved us,
You didn't love us as much as she.

She will smile and tell you,
"It's o.k. God has a plan."
But she will turn away and cry
'Cause she just can't understand.

Tell a joke and she will laugh,
But she is not o.k.
She wants to share the joke with us,
But it will not be today.

We watch from here, in Heaven.
Her distress disturbs our peace.
Will someone please take care of her,
And thus take care of we?

"Some day you will feel better."
"Yes I will," she lies.
She knows this will not happen,
Until the day she dies.

Ask our Mum how is she,
She'll say, "Thank you. Good."
She cannot tell you how she feels.
Oh, how we wish she could.

Ask our Mum how is she,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake, Mum, just tell the truth
Just say your heart is broken.

Ask our Mum how is she,
"I'm well, I'm good. And you?"
We shake our heads in Heaven.
It simply isn't true.

She'll love us all her life.
We loved her all of ours.
But if you ask how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.

Her carnival is over.
She's stepped off the carousel.
But, to save you feeling badly,
She'll say, "Thanks, all is well."

Our Mum, she's not gone mad, yet.
But, oh so very nearly.
Don't ask our Mum how is she,
Ask how is she, really.

We are here in Heaven.
We cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you, don't listen.
Hug her, hold her near.

On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and We'll be bold.
We'll say, "You're lucky to get in here,Mum,
With all the lies you told!"

Written by Jo Burr

Another day...

I've had somewhat of a rough week... I had a student tell me that I should be a mom someday and asked me why I wasn't already. I almost lost it, but somehow, I was able to look at him and smile.

Today at lunch, one of the subs asked me if I had children. I didn't know what to say, so to avoid an explanation, I said no. She looked puzzled, and said she must have been thinking of someone else because she remembered talking with someone last year who was about to become a mother. I couldn't take it. I excused myself claiming I had to go back to my room.

How should I have answered such heartbreaking questions? They could never understand my feelings for my little girls. You see, I'll never hold them again; I’ll never hear them call me mommy. In the eyes of most people, I'm childless. However, in my eyes, Claire and Gracie are a part of me.

I'm just not the same as before I had them. I love them and think of them everyday, just as any mother would. Sometimes it becomes all too consuming, and I fall apart yet again.

What I do know is this; if anyone could see into my heart, they would know Claire and Gracie are always with me, always a part of me. So yes, I do have children . . .

One Month

It has been one month today since the girls were taken from us... It has almost become surreal. Sometimes we just look at each other and wonder if the last five months really happened. Then we go to visit them, and it becomes all too real.

We took the girls flowers today... Iris'. I think Claire would have loved the delicate petals, and Gracie would have loved the purple and yellow color. It is always so peaceful when we visit; I love watching the butterflies flutter around. Sometimes the pinwheels spin as if the girls are talking with us... at least that's what I like to pretend.

Anyway, we are both back at work in some capacity. Although my body shows-up, I'm not all there. I think David feels the same way. We've definitely been thrown into slow-mo. There just doesn't seem to be a reason to "hurry" around like we used to do.

I had several things that I wanted to write, but I can't seem to do it... maybe next time.

Tuesday - August 22

Today, Kristy and I made another trip up to visit the girls, and I think the reality of the situation has finally started to hit us. Kristy's body has returned to normal and her old clothes are starting to fit. This makes things seem normal even though it's still hard to imagine any kind of normal ever really returning...

We've spent quite a bit of time with our families over the past couple weeks and are appreciative that our co-workers have given us this time. Regarding that, I will be returning to work this Thursday and Kristy on the following Monday.

Below is a picture from today's visit. Kristy's father, Tom, insisted on having pinwheels, and Kristy's family stops by often to keep the flowers fresh. We haven't decided on a stone yet as we're not sure whether to get one just for them or one for the whole family.

Another Week...

Fortunately, the rest of the weekend was uneventful as both my brothers and everyone else made it home safely. Kristy has started (and now) nearly finished a scrapbook for the girls. During their births, she didn't understand why someone was taking pictures, but now she is very glad that they exist. The mementos that Debbie and the nurse staff at Clarian kept were amazing and we will be forever indebted to them.

On Saturday, Thad, Bobbi, Brandon and Crystal stopped by for a bit and dropped off a huge 8 lb ham with some sides. Thank you. Since Kristy and I couldn't get through it ourselves, we decided to make a trip back up to Markle since Sunday was our 12th anniversary and also our nephew Zach's 18th birthday. Unfortunately, we forgot our camera, but the girls' had had multiple visits and flowers from Kristy's family.

Below is a picture of us during the ceremony on Thursday. Kristy's father, Tom, is the man in the white shirt.

Thanks for your support

Once again, Kristy and I would like to thank you for helping us with the grieving process. Every card, letter, flower and thought are appreciated.

The last couple of days have been a whirlwind. Yesterday, Kristy and I went through a lot of suggestions for scripture and decided upon the following to be read at the ceremony:

Psalms 139:13-18
Ephesians 1:4-11
1 Corinthians 15:35-55 (Parts)

The ceremony worked out beautifully for the girls, with my father, Kristy's father and my little brother performing the entire service. Fortunately, the service was at 10:00AM, so we avoided the rain. All the relatives showed up safely and on time and we returned afterwards to Kristy's parents for some sustenance and support.

Following today's events in the world, we will be praying for my brothers' flights so that they may return home safely. Evan will be returning to Little Rock today and Scott is leaving for Manila on Saturday.

In addition to the poem posted yesterday, the below poem was also read at today's ceremony. Scott's wife, Carrie, wrote and sent it to us the other day and we immediately loved it.

Two drops of silvery dew,
pure and tranquil,
trickle slowly down
the meandering green veins.
The perfect droplets
grow every second
until we can see our own reflections.
One by one they drip
from edge of the leaf
into the quiet sea.
Soft rings of ripples
echo with their memory
evidence that the drops were here.
And though it was not long
their journey was one
of undeniable beauty.

Tuesday

Kristy and I received your cards, flowers, emails.... They are much appreciated. Thanks for your concern.

Today we got and made several items for the girls. We purchased a set of lockets and a cross in which to place them. We also went through loads of pictures and created a picture book for the girls so that they might know their family. It was a time of much crying and remembering for us. As the girls were once known as Buzz and Woody, Kristy decided to give them a couple of her Christmas ornaments as well.

Tomorrow, we'll be going through some scripture verses and prayers for the ceremony. If you have some, we would welcome suggestions. A poem that has always moved me and is especially memorable now is below. It is the 2nd sonnet from Edna St. Vincent Millay.

TIME does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss them in the weeping of the rain;
I want them at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year’s leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year’s bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide!

There are a hundred places where I fear
To go,—so with their memory they brim!
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell their feet or shone their faces
I say, “There is no memory of them here!”
And so stand stricken, so remembering them!

A Rough Week

Kristy and I appreciate all your support and prayers. We couldn't make it without everyone's understanding, love and help.

Today, my mother and father drove us to Huntington and along with Kristy's parents went to the funeral home and then the cemetary where the girls will be. Kristy's father takes care of the cemetary, so we know they'll be in good hands. Kristy and I also will have a plot there.

We decided to have a small ceremony with just immediate family, which will occur on Thursday morning. Fortunately, both of our parents and all of our siblings will be able to attend. Our fathers will be reading the scriptures and saying a prayer. Kristy and I will also have a pair of balloons to let go as we know that they are now in Heaven with other loved ones.

The funeral home is the Myers Funeral Home in Huntington, IN and the girls will have an obituary in Tuesday's paper.

As the days go by, we will be posting the events and more pictures of the previous week...

If you would like to contact us, please use the dkokoska@yahoo.com account as my cell phone is dead and I left the charger in NH...

Early Birth Day

Our little girls Claire and Gracie entered the world a bit too early yesterday at 20 weeks and 1 day. Claire Faith entered the world at about 11:30AM and her little sister Lora Grace came a couple hours later. Both measured 9 inches and Claire outweighed her sister 9 ounces to 8. We spent many hours enjoying and touching their beautiful little faces, but unfortunately, neither survived the day.

Scary Week 19

Well, week 19 has come and gone with quite a bang...

On Monday we had our biweekly ultrasound/doctor's appointment, but unfortunately, it didn't go like we had hoped.

During the ultrasound, the nurse was concerned with the length of my cervix. I had surgery several years ago that makes me at risk for an incompetent cervix (late term miscarriage). I didn't think much of it because sometimes it measures shorter depending on the "shot" the ultrasound takes. After the ultrasound was completed, I sent David home because the doctor's visit is usually just a measurement of my belly, blood pressure, and chit-chat.

Well, this time the doctor's appointment was much different. My doctor was on vacation, so I saw the nurse practitioner. She was very concerned with my cervix because I guess during the ultrasound, I was having a contraction. She hooked me up to a fetal monitor for 20 minutes to see what was going on.

After 20 minutes she came back, took my read-out and disappeared for about 10 more minutes. When she got back, she said she had consulted with the doctor filling in for mine, and they decided that I need to be admitted to the hospital. I guess I had three contractions during the 20 minutes on the fetal monitor.

Of course at this time, I was somewhat blubbery and called David. Poor David had just gotten home and had to turn around and come back. I checked into the hospital around 3:30pm. They hooked-up an IV drip, took blood, and re-thought the fetal monitor. I continued having contractions, so they gave me a shot of something (I forget what it was). Finally, the contractions stopped, but we got another "shock." They decided that I needed to stay in the hospital Monday night for observation.

David had a business retreat scheduled for Tuesday through Friday in New Hampshire, so we were unsure what to do. He ran home and packed, got me some things, and brought us some food. We spent an interesting evening in the hospital... David scrunched on a fold out chair, and I with IV in the arm. Every two hours they would come in and check my vitals, so it a good night's sleep was out of the question for both of us.

Tuesday morning, David called and got his flight pushed back until later in the afternoon, and we waited. The doctor came in around 8:30am and told us that I had some contractions during the night, but nothing consistent. She released me from the hospital, but put me on bed rest.

I don't feel any differently then I did before, but I'm a little worried about the turn of events. I forced David to go ahead and go on his trip, and my mom is here to "babysit" me. I think David has already called 10 times to check on me... It's sweet!

I go back to the doctor on Monday for another measurement of the cervix and reading on the fetal monitor. If all looks ok then I'm off of bed rest, but just have to take it easy. If there is any other issues, it could be anything from daily shots, to bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy. Yuck!!! Regardless, I now have doctor's appointments every week.

The good thing through all of this is that the girls looked great! All pieces and parts were accounted for, and they are growing just like they should.

Week 17... baby 2 revealed!

Today was another ultrasound, which was exciting except for the fact that David was in Wisconsin on business. Fortunately, mom was able to come with me...

The babies looked great on the ultrasound with both babies rolling around and kicking. Claire, of course, took the lead which gives us some insight to her future personality. As soon as David gets home, we'll put the pictures on another entry.

Claire is also about 4-5 days bigger than her sister... Oh yeah, Claire now has a "real" counterpart instead of just "Woody" or baby B; we would like to introduce Grace to everyone (with a 75% certainty). The tech couldn't give me a 100%, because Gracie is much more private than Claire. She turned at one point just giving us a glimpse, but if I had to say... "It" looked exactly like Claire's, so I think I'll continue to buy pink.

I am exciting, but a little disappointed... A little David would have been soooooo very cute. However, I'm sure between Claire and Gracie one of them will have his green eyes and long lashes. (Sorry David, I'm probably embarrassing you!)

David returns on Wednesday. Hopefully by the weekend, we can get the images posted. The next ultrasound in on Monday, July 31, so we'll post another update then.

Week 16

We're in week 16 now and all is well. I'm a little concerned because it seems that I've stopped "growing." David thinks that I'm being paranoid... he's probably right.

I still haven't felt the babies move, though I've been trying. The next ultrasound should be very telling. We'll be at 17 1/2 weeks, so the doctor is fairly certain that we'll have the answer to our "Woody" question. I think the baby is a girl, and David thinks that the baby is a boy.

We were supposed to have our next ultrasound on Monday, July 10, but David surprised me with a vacation... our last for a while. So, we'll have to wait to the 17th. Unfortunately, David will be out of town for the "unveiling." I won't be alone however, mom is going with me. I can't wait for her to see Claire, our gymnast.

Week 15

We had another ultrasound on Monday with high hopes of finding out the sex of "Woody." Unfortunately, he/she was not cooperating. We have Claire to thank for that... she wouldn't stop moving and basically was squashing the other baby. The rest of the appointment went well. All looks great with the babies and with me.

The next appointment is Monday, July 10... the nurse was pretty confident that we would have our "sex" answer then (we'll be at 16 1/2 weeks).

Week 13

Well, a lot has happened since the last post... We had an ultra sound on Monday (hopefully we'll have the pictures to post soon) and though the babies looked great, we got some scary news.

Several years ago I had a cone biopsy after cancerous cells were found in my cervix. This procedure, along with the fact that we're having twins and my cervix was measuring short, caused some alarm in my OB. She was concerned that I may have an incompetent cervix, which basically means that I was a prime candidate for a late term miscarriage if surgery was not completed soon.

So off we went to a "maternal abdominal specialist." I didn't even know one existed, but they do. At the specialist it was determined that I am "ok" so we are very happy about that!!

We also discovered at the specialist that "Buzz" is not who we thought... Buzz is actually a girl...

We are naming her Claire Faith. Claire after David's grandma and Faith after David's mom's middle name. Unfortunately, "Woody" was not cooperating... So for now, we'll stick with that.

David and I were so happy that we went to BabiesRUs and bought our nursery furniture and a little onesie that says, "Daddy's little girl."

The next ultrasound is on Monday, June 26, so hopefully Claire will have a "real" partner (Thomas Benjamin or Avery/Lora Grace).

Hair cut

Well, I figured it was time for a "mommy cut," so I got my hair chopped a few weeks back. Believe it or not, but I'm not sad at all!

Week 11

Week 11 starts tomorrow, and with that, we have started the nursery. Of course with the news that we're expecting twins, the plans have changed. Getting two cribs in the room is a lot different then what I had mapped out.

Hope you like the video clips David posted!! We have the entire ultra sound, but figured that it was a little too much for the blog. It's pretty cool though to see them wiggling around and moving their arms.

Anyway, we'll keep you posted on developments as we go. For those who were concerned... it was the positioning of the Doppler wand that makes "Woody" (heartbeat) sound so much weaker than "Buzz."

Videos

Well... The wife said I should add a post every once in a while, so I took a page from Curt's blog and decided to post a couple videos. These are from last Thursday when we got a video of the ultrasound. Buzz was 10 weeks at that point and Woody was 9 weeks and 6 days. I'll let Kristy fill in the rest of the details...

Buzz the Elder



Woody the Young

Week 9

Currently, we are in week 9 of pregnancy (which means the babies are 7 weeks old). During our ultrasound on May 25, the nurse is going to measure the babies to give us a due date. We estimate that they'll be born anytime between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

How we got here...

In July '97 David and I decided that we wanted to start a family... little did we know that it would take 9 years for us to realize our dream. For the first couple of years we stopped birth control and tried periodically to conceive. Of course after that period of time we realized that something was wrong as most people get pregnant within 6 months. We began to discuss this issue with my GYN and started what would be a series of test, medication, surgeries, etc.

After some initial testing, it was suggested that we go to a specialist. Using both research and referrals (thanks Mimi); we ended up at Advanced Fertility in the care of Dr. W. Gentry. We underwent 6 IUIs (intra-uterine insemination) during the next 4 years. Finally, Dr. Gentry sat us down and said that we should try IVF.

Our initial discussion about IVF was in January of '05. Of course IVF is expensive, so we looked into our insurance policies and found David's would cover up to $10k, which is fabulous considering most insurance companies say no way. The only problem was that I was not covered on David's insurance and couldn't be added until the end of the year. Once again we had to wait...

At the end of January we notified Dr. Gentry that we were ready to start the in-vitro process. What I didn’t realize then was the months of hormone shots I would have to endure.

On February 20 I started injecting Lupron which is a medication that takes over the bodies regular functions (as far as a women’s cycle goes). I injected Lupron into my stomach with an insulin needle. This was actually not as bad as it sounds. I continued Lupron from Feb. 20 until March 28… yes, that’s an injection in my stomach for over a month, but wait, it gets worse.

On March 20, I started injecting Bravelle and Menopur, as well as the Lupron into my stomach. Along with the injections, I was also taking Doxycycline, Dexamethasone, and prenatal vitamins. Let’s just say I was a walking hormone!!

March 28 was my last day for injections into my stomach, but unfortunately, that was the easy part. On March 29 I injected Novarel with a two inch needle into my bum. David tried to help a long time ago, but we both agreed that it was better for me to just do it myself.

March 30 was the first of the two major procedures with IVF. David and I went to Beltway Surgery center and underwent the egg retrieval. This is officially the day the babies were conceived. It was also the day I began taking Progesterone in oil. This medication was miserable!! Progesterone is used to make the Uterus the best possible condition for the eggs to implant. To help the Progesterone absorb into the body, it is placed in sesame oil. The bad part is that it takes a really big needle for the oil to pass through… also; it has to be injected intramuscularly. OUCH!!! I had to stick a two inch needle that was incredibly large in diameter in my butt every night. I had to do this until after our first ultra sound on May 3. This took everything I had.

On April 4 we went back to the Beltway Surgery Center and underwent the embryo transfer. We decided that we would transfer two fertilized eggs and hope for at least one to take…

For the next couple of weeks, along with the Progesterone, I took Doxycycline, Prednisone, Dexamethasone, and wore Estraderm patches.

On April 14 we took our first blood test… positive. On April 16 we took an additional blood test… again, positive. Even with the positive tests I wasn’t 100% convinced. However, on May 2 the ultra sound totally blew me away. Seeing two tiny hearts beating stole my heart and made everything endured the last 9 years worth it in every way!

Look at those babies!!

Today was a very good day!!! All of my fears were put to rest as we had our first ultrasound, well actually, a whole new set of fears started... Dr. Gentry announced to us with a big smile on his face that THEY looked great. Yes, THEY... we're having twins!!!!!

The picture shows both babies; David has dubbed them "Buzz and Woody." He says that Buzz is at the top floating around in the middle of his sack, and Woody is at the bottom clutching the side of his.

Wow did things just change!

Fertilized eggs

This is a couple of weeks late, but there has been a lot happening...

This is the picture of the fertilized eggs just after implantation into the uterus. Those two little dots at the end of the arrows are the eggs.

Week 7

Well, we've started week 7 and all is well. I'm a little worried because I haven't had many of the "symptoms" of early pregnancy, but David says I'm over-reacting. He's probably right, but still I can't help but be apprehensive; it's just been so long! I have even caught myself wishing for morning sickness, crazy huh?! The ultra sound on Tuesday will ease my fears (I hope).

Scary Couple?!

Can you imagine this pair having kids? Don't care, I can't wait!!

One or Two... that is the question!

Twins.... wouldn't that be something?

We're positive!!!

On April 5 we got the news that we've been longing to hear... our pregnancy test was positive. We had an HCG level of 913 which is great. Two days later, we had our second test come back positive with an HCG level of 2273. The nurse said that this is excellent and actually points toward multiples (scary, huh).

We have our first ultrasound on Tuesday, May 2. We are both very excited, but apprehensive - we are both pessimists you know!