Bittersweet

David and I got the results back from our blood tests... we are positive for the antibodies that cause disruptions to the blood flow to the embryos. Women with high levels of this certain antibody often have clotting problems in their placentas. This can put a baby at risk, because blood clots can block the passage of oxygen and nutrients to the fetus. It also disrupts the makeup of the placenta, making it difficult for an egg to implant. Heparin helps prevent these clots from forming.

Though knowing all this will help with the future, it is like a shot through the heart.

Mother's Day

Well, I knew Mother's Day was going to be awful, but...

David's grandma passed away in her sleep on Wednesday night (May 9). She was 100 years old and had great life, so being "sad" didn't seem appropriate. Yes, we'll miss her dearly, but if there is a way to go, I'm sure many of us would choose this path.

Our flight from Indy to Detroit was delayed two hours, so we missed our connecting flight to Baltimore. Our rescheduled flight got us to Baltimore 3 hours later than expected, so we only got to attend the viewing from 8-9pm.

The funeral on Saturday was very hard for me. I couldn't help but think of the girls, so I was very thankful David was there to hold me up. Every time I thought I was going to lose it completely I would try to think of abstract things (baseball, a fly on the wall, the organist's expressions when she played, etc.). Unfortunately, my mind kept coming back to the thought of Grandma Hainley's tears when she heard of Claire and Gracie. The staff at the nursing home was mad at David's uncle for telling her the news. She cried for weeks... the staff was worried about her health. I hated to hear that she experienced so much sorrow, but it felt good to know that she cared so much for the girls without ever knowing them. During the funeral I couldn't help but ask her to take care of them for me.

Seeing the family again was very nice. However, it was a little awkward. Everyone meant well, but they didn't know what to say to us, so many didn't say anything.

We left Baltimore on a 6am flight Sunday (the wake-up call at 3:30am was brutal). We arrived back home around noon. David and I were extremely tired... I took a nap and when I awoke, I found flowers and a card on the table. The card was from David and the girls.... my first Mother's Day card. I miss them...

Blood Tests

David and I recently had blood drawn for tests for Dr. Gentry. He is checking antibodies in our blood to see if there is a reaction that may cause my blood to clot, and therefore, cause problems with the blood flow to the embryo.

Though normally this would not be the case, I am hopeful that the test is positive. At least then we would have something to "blame" for Claire and Gracie's death and the loss of the last embryo. Also, it is easily managed. I would take Heparin and aspirin through the next pregnancy to stop the clotting.

On the other hand, as much as I want to something to blame, I am having a hard time with the idea that a simple shot and aspirin could have saved our girls. I guess it is one of those situations when the answer won't be satisfying either way.

We won't have the test results for a couple of weeks, so again we are playing the waiting game.

Negative

I went for my pregnancy test Tuesday afternoon. Tuesday night we got good news from the doctor that we were pregnant. We were extremely excited, almost in tears the whole night. We had a reading of 91HCG (anything over 25 is considered positive) from my first blood test. I almost thought that I was hearing things, but David picked-up the phone at the same time and confirmed what I had heard.

I instantly had David dig out the large tote of maternity clothes I got from Kerri and was excited about the prospects of having my belly grow again. David was equally excited and did what Davids do and told many people our good news.

We have two bedrooms that adjoin with a bathroom that we've dubbed the visitor's suite. David purchased a LCD TV and mounted it on the wall so that he can send my mother to her room to watch her old movies. We ordered a futon so that we can have multiple visitors stay in comfort. I even got David to clean off the bookcases and get rid of the ugly faux-wood filing cabinet. I must say that the room looks much nicer. I can't wait to use it when David is snoring so loudly that I have to take refuge elsewhere.

On Friday, since I had the day off, I spent the entire morning going through the maternity clothes, hanging them in the closet, and washing those that needed it. It took me about 3 hours to get everything where I wanted it.

However, our joy was short-lived.

The nurse called late afternoon on Friday and began the conversation with "are you somewhere we can talk?" I knew. The second blood test on Thursday produced a reading of 23HCG. The HCG level is supposed to double every 48 hours... ours dropped dramatically. This indicated that the embryo(s) stopped dividing and were not going to make it. To give you a gauge: Claire and Gracie's first HCG reading was 900. Two days later the reading was 2100.

We are not pregnant as once thought... again.

So there you have it. Our first IVF round has ended with the highest of highs and the lowest or lows. We have two wonderful daughters, but can't hold them. The other four embryos did not sit in a storage container til the end of time, but were loved even though they'll never know it.

Thanks for all the support, thoughts, and prayers! David and I aren't sure were we are going from here, but we will keep you posted.

Third Time is a Charm?

On Tuesday David and I went in for another embryo transfer. I am very hopeful that we will be successful in this current attempt.

The lab nurse said that the embryos were "expanding" nicely. (The embryos are frozen - they take them out of the chamber in the morning and implant them in the afternoon. During this time, the embryos come out of their frozen state and begin their cell division again. This is the expanding.)

Of course, David got the honor of giving these embryos their "names" again, but unfortunately, the host site is having issues with posting pictures. As soon as the issue is resolved, I will introduce you to "Bart and Lisa."

Resolved....